Wow. Crazy long time. Over a year. I've changed a lot. And not so much in a LOT of ways. Still kind of a married-man-kissing-whore. (Which blew up nicely in my face, I'll have you know...) Trying to get over that, and be happy that my BF of a year has finally decided that he's in love with me.

And I love him. I think. He just doesn't know that he ever wants to get married. Or have kids. Or anything like that. It's a big deal, right? Like, deal breaking kind of big deal. Isn't it? I seriously have to stop dating older men! They are not that great for me, you know?

And it's hard. Because everyone around me is falling in love, getting married, having babies. And I want all that. I want it more than I'm telling anyone. I'm just not getting it. Maybe I'm just screwed up, and undeserving of it. I've messed up way too many times to be worthy of someone just loving me, and wanting to marry me, and wanting to be with me forever, and creating a family with me. My heart physically hurts every time I hear that another girl I know is getting married, or she's pregnant. They're all younger than me, and have had WAY less shitty lives, and I deserve that kind of love.

Even with all my Ex issues, and my abandonment issues, and my daddy issues, and my acceptance issues, I deserve that, don't I? Or maybe I don't. Maybe I really am just too much baggage for anyone to truly want.

I mean, as long as I can remember, I've just wanted a family. My own family. I want to be a mommy, and raise children that love me, and that people love them. While every other little girl had dreams of being a teacher, or a vet, or a princess, or whatever, all I wanted was to be a mom. I've been baby hungry since I was 7. And I'm not even kidding. I'm 21 and heartbroken that I don't have a baby.  I'm hurt, and stupid all at once. I don't want to be married for another two years. I want to live my life a little bit. I want to experience things on my own. I want to be that single, hot girl who's got everything going for her.

But that's not me. I'm still financially dependent on my mother in several ways. I don't currently have a job. I'm not even going to school. I'm a useless speck of a human being. I'm not being productive in any way. I'm not helping anyone. I'm not furthering my career (HA, like that'll ever happen!), my education, other people's lives, NOTHING. My best friends hardly even remember I exist, unless they need something from me. I've become this hermit, who never sees anyone, never does anything useful. I may as well not exist. I'm not doing what truly makes me happy, and I'm lying about it.  I'm not really happy. I'm almost...content. But only almost. I'm not getting what I want. And I know it. And I'm IGNORING it, becuase I don't want to ruin the good things that I do have. 

I have an amazing boyfriend. He's a GOOD man. He loves me, and he compliments me, and he thinks I'm the best sex he's ever had, and if he moves out of state he wants me to go with him, and he's funny, and makes me laugh, and talks to me, is honest with me, communicates with me! He's so good in so many ways, and there's no reason for me not to be absoloutely in love with him.

I have my family, who surprise me constantly with how crazy they are, and how loving they are, even in their insanity. I have friends who love me no matter what.

What am I missing? Why do I feel so empty, so heartbroken over things I don't even want right now?

Maybe one of these days I'll figure it out.